Title: Molly Weasley’s Secret
Characters/Pairings: Molly, Arthur, Ginny, Hermione, Ron, Harry, George, Percy, mentions to Arthur/Molly, Harry/Ginny, and Ron/Hermione
Rating: R for hints to sex (it’s comedy with some crack, don’t take the sex hints too seriously)
Warnings: Trashy romance novel excerpts, mentions to the Weasley parents’ sex life, George teasing Ron’s manhood, and Ron being an idiot.
When: Sometime after the books
Summary: Everyone finds out just exactly how the Weasley’s managed to get by with seven children.
Disclaimer: Jo owns. I play. Though, I’ll gladly take any Weasley (*cough: Charlie*) that she sends my way.
Author's Note: This was inspired by a rant from ozma_katiebell and the idea of this all just tickles me pink. I won’t even explain this, because if you can’t see how awesome Molly is, then shame on you!
“And then his bulging, throbbing sex broke through her wet barrier, causing her to shudder in delig-“
“Why do you two read this crap?” Ron snatched the book from Ginny’s hands, causing both she and Hermione to openly glare at him. The two girls had been giggling over Ginny’s newest trashy romance novel, complete with a half nude male model winking at then from the front page. It was a Wizarding publication, which meant that he even undressed from time to time, as a way to flirt with the reader. The two girls had been absorbed with the books for years.
“It’s not crap, Ronald Weasley,” Hermione snapped, snatching the book from his hands. “Trashy romance aside, they’re actually very well written. Were they not, I wouldn’t bother with them.”
“Are you sure, Hermione? It’s not as if Ron is giving is giving you his ‘girthy wand of desire’,” George teased, plopping himself into the oversized armchair, biting into one of his mum’s cookies before spitting it out. Dried cranberries? Who in their right mind hid such a disgusting thing in a perfectly good chocolate chip cookie? His mum wasn’t the goddess of cooking, by any means, but it was chocolate chip cookie! Not a fruit cookie!
“My wand is might girth full…”
“Batty old woman…”
“What was that, boys?” Molly carried a basket of laundry down the stairs, stopping to glare at him long enough to get him to blush and mumble something about how she was the most brilliant cook in the world and he was an ungrateful sod and Ron had been the one going on about his prick, causing he and Ron to bicker and Hermione’s cheeks to flush.
“Need help with that, Mrs. Weasley?” Harry emerged, his hair wet from his shower, looking like the cover god of Ginny’s dreams.
“Kiss arse,” Ron and George muttered in unison.
“Shove off, he’s just trying to help mum, here, Harry, I’ll help you. Besides, I can do my own laundry, unlike some lazy sods,” Ginny glared at her brothers before leading Harry off to the laundry room for a snog.
“Thank you, Ginny. And don’t worry, Ron’s going to be learning how to do his own laundry,” she said, settling in next to Hermione. “What is that you have there, Hermione?”
Hermione blushed. “Nothing, Mrs.-“
George picked the book out of her hands and plopped it into his mum’s lap before giving Ron a smug look, as if torturing Hermione would somehow come back to bite Ron in the arse.
Molly flipped the book over only to be greeted by a rather large penis flexing at her while the Wizard in the photograph winked at her. Hermione was beyond mortified and Ron was ready to kill George for this. Molly chuckled. “Well, that’s rather large, isn’t it? It’s nothing on Arthur, of course…”
“MUM!” Ron and George’s protests were so loud that Harry poked his head into the room, glasses askew and hair messy.
“What? You think your old mother doesn’t know a thing or two about sex? I hate to break this to you boys, but I had seven children, think about that.”
“Oh my God!” A thud came from the next room and Harry cursed, helping Ginny to her feet.
Hermione crossed her arms, rather enjoying this. George was getting what he deserved and if Mrs. Weasley wasn’t going to chastise her for reading porn, then why should she continue to be bashful about it?
“In fact, I’ve enjoyed a few novels in my time,” she began, flipping it open, a sneaky smile on her lips. “Margaret P. Wallace, you enjoy her books, do you?”
Hermione nodded. “She’s got talent. I wish she’d use it for something other than this, but…well, these are enjoyable too. I would have never gotten started on her books if it hadn’t been for that daft bint Lacender Brown. Ginny found one of her books left out and ever since then, we’ve snuck them into the dorms to entertain ourselves with. As much as I enjoy textbooks, I do enjoy uh…”
“Shove off Ron!”
“HARRY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY SISTER!”
“Nothing, Ronald, I just…spilled something on my shirt…”
“And you left a button open!?”
“Oh Ronald, shove off.”
“Ginny, get in here. Harry…go do something with yourself that doesn’t involve snogging my daughter in a broom cupboard.”
Harry made a small mousey noise before nodding and ducking into the laundry room to fold things.
“Where were we? Oh yes, Miss Wallace. So, you enjoy her?”
“She’s my favorite.”
Molly smiled. “I’m glad to hear it. Arthur is quite the fan-“
George gagged. Oh God.
“Mum and dad read…oh God.” Ron looked sick.
Ginny rolled her eyes, straightening her skirt as she sat back down, unable to meet her mother’s eyes. Stupid Ron, he ruined everything.
“I hear that she bases these books on things she and her husband do.”
“So have I? Imagine, having someone so…”
“Well-um…you know?” Ginny and Hermione both looked down in a blush.
“Wait, does that mean Harry has a small-“
“George!” Ginny warned.
“I do not!” Harry poked his head back in. “Just because we can’t all be R-um, Mrs. Weasley, I was um…clothing, right.”
Hermione’s blush deepened. Good Lord.
“Arthur, we’re putting new locking charms on the doors!” Molly called, giving both girls and Ron deep glares. She didn’t care what they did, as long as it wasn’t under her roof. “The only people I want getting naked with a friend is your father and I.”
“If you don’t like it, move out. I wouldn’t mind a house to myself.”
“I keep telling Ron that…” Hermione muttered, pouting.
“Why don’t we read some more?” Ginny wanted to change the subject to anything, even porn with her mother if it meant her sex life was no longer being discussed.
“Lovely. Where were you?” Hermione pointed out the page and Molly settled back, chuckling before reading.
“And then his bulging, throbbing sex broke through her wet barrier, causing her to shudder in delight. It was painful, certainly. His large size took a few moments to adjust to, but soon all pain was forgotten as Arturo craftily thrust into her deep folds.
Margaret bit her lower lip, trying not to wake the baby in the next room. She opened her eyes, glancing up at the man she loved, thanking the stars that she’d found the one who would stick by her, through anything.”
Ginny was enamored, it was all so romantic.
Hermione was withholding a sigh, why couldn’t Ron just fuck her already?
Ron and George both looked ill.
Harry peeked in, sniffing to himself. It was all so romantic. Why couldn’t he and Ginny have that?
He was going to get them a flat. Then they could do it anytime they wanted. Yes. Brilliant plan.
Arthur came into the room, shoving Molly’s cookies into his mouth. The cranberries were a bit odd, but he loved anything that she made, because she made it with love, for the most part. Or passion. Either way, he loved it all because he loved her. Terrible ingredients and all.
He glanced over her shoulder. “Reading the girls your new book? About time, Mollywobbles. I always told you that you had a gift,” he kissed the top of her head and walked to the fireplace, his eyes lighting up as he saw a new Muggle gadget that Hermione had left out.
“What?” Ron blinked.
Hermione’s hands went to her mouth, but she couldn’t hold back the small chuckle that escaped. “Mrs. Weasley-“
“Mum, you kick ass.”
“I agree! I mean…huh?” Harry ducked back out of the room as Ron’s shoe came flying to his head.
“Mum, how, why…”
“Oh really Ron, how do you think your father and I were able to raise seven children? Oh faith? Please, I knew how to capitalize on my talents. It’s just a shame they didn’t pay better.”
“Ron, shut your mouth, you look like an idiot,” Arthur called as he tried to piece back Hermione’s cassette player.
“So, did you and Mr. Weasley really run off the Hogwarts grounds for a midnight shag like in the last book?”
“I’m going to be ill.”
All three women rolled their eyes and ignored Ron as Molly began retelling things to the girls.
“What’s wrong with Ron and George?” Percy asked, stepping out of the fireplace and dusting himself off, ignoring his father who was trying to desperately spool a cassette tape back together.
George clasped Percy on the back, finding a way to deal with this trauma by passing it on to Percy. “Well, Percy mate, there’s some things you need to know about mum.”
~ El Fin ~